Guest post by A Music Lover

Music is one of humankind’s greatest creations but there still plenty of ways to be a real bore about it.

The obscure music bore

You enjoy craft gin and absinthe (though not necessarily together) to the sounds of Penderecki. You eat in restaurants which serve foraged food.

The period instruments bore

You can’t get enough of Vivaldi played on “authentic” gut strings, love Baroque tuning, and have a thing for the Theorbo. You believe Bach’s keyboard music should only ever be played on the harpsichord or organ.

The radio station bore

You’ve been listening to BBC Radio 3 since you were in utero (your mother believed in the ‘Mozart Effect’). You lament the decline in quality of this station and long for a return to the days of Patricia Hewitt’s hushed reverential tones. You refuse to associate with anyone who listens to Classic FM, André Rieu and Ludovico Einaudi.

The applause bore

You despise applause between movements, deeming it boorish and ignorant and the behaviour of someone who listens to the “wrong” radio station (see above). You are quick to angrily “shush” anyone who dares make a sound or move during the performance and you have been known to order the person seated behind you to remove their watch because the tick of it was a distraction during the slow movement. You are not averse, however, to loud “bravo-ing” immediately the final note has sounded, provided you are the one shouting “Bravo!” the loudest.

The green room bore

You love meeting artists after the performance and always rush to the green room to be at the head of the queue, ready to monopolise the tired musician’s time while others behind you wait patiently in line. You have been known to inform an internationally-renowned concert pianist that his ‘Pictures at an Exhibition’ was the fastest you’ve ever heard it played, by 4 minutes and 33 seconds. You like to say things like “Of course you can’t beat Arrau in Beethoven!“.

The vinyl/HiFi bore

You enjoy the technical details of music more than the actual sounds and get pant-wettingly excited about the “authentic” crackle and hiss of an old 78.

The sexy musicians bore

You love those publicity shots of female musicians suggestively (to you) hugging a cello or showing a nice bit of leg under a pelmet-length skirt at a concert. You have been known to describe a leading female concert pianist as “Melons” and enjoy nicknames such as “Trumpet Crumpet” or “flute cutie”.

The “modern music is terrible” bore

For you all music stopped being good after 1750.